What Do You Say?

Well tonight I delivered what I think was the most difficult news I have ever delivered in my life.  I've delivered a lot of bad news over the years.  In my years as an assistant principal I would have to tell parents things that you could visibly see broke their hearts about their children.  When my mom died I called several of her family members to break the news which was expected because she had pancreatic cancer but still so hard to say knowing how it would crush someone. 

But tonight was different, for the first time I physically hurt as I broke my little girls' heart when I had to tell her that her Grandpa is dying.  Dad was diagnosed almost a year ago to the day with lung cancer and so we have been talking to her about Grandpa being "sick" and have even had to explain the difference between "cold sick" and "cancer sick".  She has seen him decline from visit to visit but he has always been up and around to play with her or give her loves or force himself through a Dora episode. 

Now he is bed bound and sleeping more than he is awake so we know we probably only have a few weeks left and I felt like we needed to tell her now so she could talk with him a few more times and hopefully understand when he can no longer talk and then eventually passes.  I knew she would be upset but nothing prepares a mommy heart to have her child sob uncontrollably in her arms for over ten minutes and know there is really nothing you can do to take her hurt away. 

I just pray she holds tight to her wonderful memories and feels how much her Grandpa loves her.  She was the sparkle in his life the past four years and nothing gave me more joy than to watch my little princess bring him so much pure joy.  God Bless them both and may God bring Dad peace and Melanie the understanding she needs to handle this and hold her memories tight so that they bring her great joy.  I love you Dad and we will miss you more than you know.  I love you sweet Melanie with all my heart.  I wish I could take your pain away and replace it with nothing but joy, memories and love from Grandpa.

Melanie and Grandpa hanging out together.

How Was I Made????

This blog was started so that I can record my memories of Melanie and all the funny little stories we have together but unfortunately I don't get on to blog as often as I would like........something to work on.  However, this was one of my favorite memories of Melanie on our recent trip to Arizona.

Time is such a relative thing to young children.  They really do not understand how far off tomorrow, next week, or next year is so I try very hard to not tell Melanie about something we are going to do in the future unless I want to answer five million (and no that is NOT an exaggerated number) questions about it.  So about a week before we were going on our trip to Arizona I mentioned it to Melanie.  She asked a lot of questions about why we were going, who we would see, what we would do, etc.  The typical questions.  She also asked me what I liked about Arizona.  I told her of course one of the things I liked the most about it was that it was where she was born.  That of course made her smile. 

On the fourth day of our trip we were driving around looking for where we were supposed to be going.  I wouldn't say we were lost because I knew exactly where we were, I just didn't know exactly how to get where I wanted to be.  As I am talking to myself about how I hate Phoenix traffic and how confusing the area was Melanie reminds me that I really love it here and I had told her so.  She is awesome at correcting me and reminding me of what I say by the way.  She also then reminded me that she was born there.  She then asked, "Momma, did you and dad make me here?"  Easy question, I got this one, "Yes honey, we made you here."  Then she asks, "What did you make me out of, Lego's or wood?"  Luckily she only gave me two choices because had she left it open ended I may have been caught so off guard that I may not have known how to answer.  I also LOVE how children relate everything to their prior knowledge.  So I responded with, "Well Melanie, God actually made you."  A little exasperated because I wasn't really answering what she wanted to know she said, "Okay, what did HE make me out of?"  I of course said, "God made you out of love honey." She responded with, "He's good at making stuff and I'm glad He didn't use Lego's because when I got too tall I would have broken and crashed down like this, CRASH."  And that was that, no further commentary.  Thank goodness she was good with that...........for now anyway.

Lesson learned, next time spring for the GPS in the rental so you don't end up with endless amounts of time in the car to talk about things like where do babies come from.

Melanie cruising in the car the first day she had her big girl car seat, now she is almost ready for just a booster.

Home Away from Home

The question I have been asked the most in the past three days is, "How was your trip?"  Melanie and I went to spend a week in Arizona which isn't that unusual.  We have made several trips back to Arizona since moving to Reno 3 1/2 years ago.  This one was a little different.  It wasn't a business trip but it also wasn't just for pleasure.  I had been feeling like I had gotton so wrapped up in life and the day to day things you do that I needed an emotional break with people who have known me forever to get a little grounded and refresh my perspective.  To fully understand we have to take a step back to a day in December.......

The old saying, when it rains, it pours could not have been more true than one Monday this past December when it seemed like there was nothing but an endless supply of bad news.  I start every work day bright and early around 5:00.  I am the only one up and I begin my routine of getting ready which includes some quiet time on the couch reading emails, texts, Facebook, etc. and thinking over my day.  As I checked each form of technological communication I learned the following:

1.  A dear friend from high school had been told he was losing his battle with cancer and had less than a year to live.
2.  Another dear friend and pastor who I had worked for was diagnosed with throat and tongue cancer that would probably take his voice for at least the better part of a year and he would be going through major surgery and treatments.
3.  One of the groomsmen from our wedding had lost his wife in a tragic boating accident.
4.  Two of my uncles had lost their mothers (seperate families).

All of this amongst the fact that my own dad was losng his battle with cancer and going through a tough time.  It seemed every email, text, voicemail, etc that I attended to had tragic news that literally left you speechless and just heartbroken for the people so directly effected by it.  I didn't know who to call or email first and whatever do you say.  So I prayed.  I prayed and then shared all of the news with Charles and we went about our day in a stunned and overwhelmed manner.  Aside from praying, my next instinct was that I wanted to be there for these people to offer whatever comfort I could and since several of these circumstances were occuring in Arizona it seemed a trip was fitting but not in God's plan.  As I looked at making arrangements to go it was just not possible with what we had going on here with our own family.  But I have learned over the years (and it was a TOUGH lesson for me) to wait on God's timing so I did. 

Melanie and I were able to make the trip just last week and it was...... blessed.  Like most trips to Arizona it was a whirlwind as there are so many people to see and yet still plan things to keep my preschooler occupied. 

I got to see the dear friend who was told he is losing his battle with cancer.  He is still fighting.  It is heartbreaking to me that he and his family have to go through this and far beyond my comprehension of why things like this happen but being in his home is inspiring and you can't leave without feeling blessed for having been there and shared time with them. 

I got to see my dear friend and pastor who has completed his surgery with AMAZING success and has finished all treatments to keep those nasty cancer germs from popping up somewhere.  While he has some "battle wounds"  he has NOT lost his voice, his ability to eat on his own, or his amazing spirit.  Endless praises to God for how He has seen him through this horrific battle. 

I got to see my aunt and uncle and offer hugs and condolences for their loss in December and really enjoyed a wonderful visit.  Aside from these three very important visits that were so crucial for me because we are often not able to be there for people in the way we want to because of living so far away, we got to visit with many other friends and family members.  Every single day brought visits with people who have been such an important part of my life in one way or another. 

It was also an amazing opportunity to share my life with Melanie as she got to interact with so many people and listen to stories about our experiences together.  She LOVED every minute of it.  She misses her new Arizona friends and in her own words as we walked through the Phoenix Airport to get on our plane to come home she said, "Momma, I like Arizona, it's a pretty special place."  Yes it is.....it will always be our home away from home and where part of our heart lives.  Thank you to everyone who made our trip so special.  Thank you for letting us visit you and make memories with you.  Thank you for being blessings in our lives!