The Last Dance

This week was a tough week.  This week we were told that my dad's cancer has progressed from Stage 3 to Stage 4.  The cancer that was once contained in a tumor in his left lung has now spread into the lymph nodes around his lung and into his liver.  While we knew this news was inevitable since he stopped chemo treatments in October because every treatment was so tough on his body that he would land in the hospital with his platelets being under 1,000, it is still tough to hear because you know that short of a miracle it means that by this time next year he will probably no longer be with us.  While we get some comfort from knowing that he will be hanging out with mom up in heaven, (I can already picture her cleaning and baking eclairs just to get ready for him ;-0 ) I still selfishly think of the void that will be in our lives without him.  It's strange though because this week I have found myself thinking much more of mom than of dad.  Mom's death was by far the most difficult thing I have ever gone through in my life.  The final weekend of her life brought every emotion I think a person can feel....

It started out as every weekend had since July when mom had moved back home and decided to stop chemo treatments because no matter how much chemo they gave her the cancer was just too aggressive and continued to spread.  Prior to that mom had been living with Charles and I in Phoenix so that we could have her evaluated at the Mayo clinic and then treated by one of the top oncologists in the area.  Anyway, after her move back home I would travel from Phoenix to Sierra Vista every weekend to visit with her and help out around the house.  My bosses were amazing and gave me every Friday off so that every weekend with her was a three day weekend.  Her final weekend was extra special though because my sister would be there from California and she was bringing the man she was dating at the time, Larry, who she would later marry.  But for me, it was the typical weekend, head down to Sierra Vista, get to the house, do some housework, make sure we had plenty of food in the fridge and then sit in the Arizona room and visit with mom as people came and went from the house visiting her.  By the end of the day Friday my sister had arrived and my husband had also joined us for the weekend.  My sister's boyfriend was flying in the next day to join us.  We stayed up kinda late talking and visiting as a family and then when it was bed time mom asked me to help her back to bed.  This was the first weekend mom had actually needed help getting up from the couch and some support in walking.  I helped her to stand up and then she told me it would be easiest if she could just walk behind me and steady herself by holding onto my shoulders.  No sooner we were in position and mom says "conga line" and before you knew it we were all doing a conga line as we cha cha'd down the hallway to mom's bedroom.  We laughed and it was a time of great joy and a typical fun moment that mom was great at creating.  It was the last time she would ever do any kind of dance.

The next morning Tina left for the airport to pick up her boyfriend and Dad and Charles headed off into town to get some haircuts and run a few errands.  Dad and I had helped mom out of bed and back into the Arizona room for another day of visitors.  After everyone left and I had done a few things for mom I sat down on the couch in the Arizona room next to her to visit.  We sat there holding hands and just chatting about the weekend.  Mom looked tired so I asked her if she wanted to go back to her room and take a nap and she said she would rather just sit right there and doze.  I went to leave her alone but she asked me to stay so I did.  We sat there in silence enjoying the light breeze blowing through the windows and the sounds of the chirping birds. About a half hour later mom slumped over and I couldn't hear her breathing which is when pure fear ran through me as I tried to revive her and get her to open her eyes.  She finally did and was able to mutter that she wanted me to take her to bed.  It took all of my strength to get her up and down the hallway and into bed.  I of course called my dad immediately to come home as I just knew that this was the decline that would take her life and I knew she would want my dad with her. 

After that mom had times where she was awake for short periods of time.  She remained that way for all of Saturday and Sunday with her time awake becoming less and less.  These days were very numb trying to make sense of what was happening.  It was happening and I so wanted to stop it but couldn't.  By Monday she was almost always unconscious.  She would squeeze a hand now and then and attempt to open her eyes.  Her final words came to me on Monday, September 27th, 2004 at 10:36 A.M. when she smiled, squeezed my hand and said, "you're a good girl".  She took her final breath the next day and went to be with the Lord.  The feeling then was unbelievable pain and despair.

Mom and I dancing at my wedding.

A Trip to the Zoo - Lessons from a Three Year Old

Yesterday, New Year's Day, we decided to take Melanie to the Sacramento Zoo.  It was a beautiful day for January, 60 degrees and sunny, so it was the perfect opportunity to spend a day outside before winter really hits here and I begin to risk my life on a daily basis walking around on ice all the time.  Plus, what better way to start the New Year then as a family doing something we can all find some enjoyment in.  I have to point out here that meant that Charles gave up a whole Sunday of football, Father of the Year material for sure. :)

So we got there and Melanie headed straight for the train.  It takes you on a ten minute ride around the zoo.  Perfect for a little father/daughter time and just enough time for me to duck into the gift shop to see if I will even allow Melanie to go in later knowing she will want something to remember her day by.  Just wait and see what she got.......

After the train we were ready for our trip through the zoo.  Much to Melanie NOT wanting to "I DO NOT like yucky snakes", we went to the Reptile House.  She was willing to view the frogs until I read their names "Poisonous Dart Frogs" which immediately made her jump back still attached to my hand.  Once I reattached the arm she had pulled off I took a moment to be impressed that she knew what poisonous meant.  We quickly finished that little tour and moved on to the flamingos.  Melanie's lesson for me here was, "Only tell your children the truth."  Melanie loved the ones that were squawking away so of course I said those were the mommy flamingos which she answered me by saying, "Mom, I like the mommy flamingos best, they talk too much just like real mommies."  Thanks for the subtle hint Mel, I'll work on that. :)

Next on the trail we came to the tourist rip off and photo opportunity "Zoo Jeep"  Melanie cannot pass up an opportunity to drive any car so of course there she went and climbed right in.  "Look mom, I'm driving with my family!"  Dear aunts and uncles, you can decide which animal you are.

And then there was the monkey section.  Melanie was fascinated by the orangutans.  We stood there and watched them for quite a while as they played, ate, and just monkeyed around.  This is where I learned another valuable lesson.  "Not all moments need to be teaching moments."  As we watched these furry orange guys, one started to pick his nose and then yep, you guessed it, he ate it.  Melanie of course saw it and pointed it out to me.  I thought to myself, what a great chance to point out how gross that is.  So, I say to her, "Eww, isn't that gross and dirty, that could make him sick."  Melanie's response, nice and loud, "Don't worry mommy I do that sometimes too and I'm okay."  As people around us chuckled I replied, "Good to know Mel, please stop that because it is kinda gross."  So to make me feel better the boy next to me who was about 5 or 6 says, "I do it sometimes too."  His dad just smiled and looked at the ground. 

After the monkeys we decided to head over to the giraffes because one of the things we wanted to do was the Giraffe Encounter where you get to feed the baby giraffe.  This was the thing Melanie was the most excited about so we stand in line and wait, we get our giraffe food, and get cameras ready and.....the second that giraffe stuck out his long tongue to grab the food from Melanie she threw it at him and refused to get anywhere near him again.  Lucky for the giraffe he was good at catching green roughage.  Charles and I finished feeding him and moved on.  Lesson learned, even cute baby giraffes have HUGE scary tongues that appear to be able to eat small children if they wanted to.

Well after seeing just about every animal we headed to the carousel which is absolutely beautiful with every animal at the zoo represented.  I thought for sure Melanie would ride on the baby giraffe or the snow leopard or maybe even the anteater which she showed a great interest in as well, but no, my daughter demanded she ride on the ever so lovable Dung Beetle.  That's right, she who hates the Reptile House, loves a giant bug that looks like a cockroach.  Go figure.  However, I LOVED her reason for picking it.  It was one of two large animals that you could ride that had a bench in it and she wanted to sit with her daddy.  I guess if you love your daddy enough you will ride on a large ugly bug.  Which is probably why she was allowed to buy this at the Zoo Shop...........

........that's right a purple giraffe.  Out of all the things I had found in the gift shop that I thought she would love:  books, coloring books, puzzles, a realistic stuffed giraffe, my baby girl picked a purple giraffe.  And did you know, "giraffes can be purple if they eat a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of grapes".  Another lesson learned. :)

Last but not least, as much as I love her funny comments and everything we do together I still LOVE to watch her sleep.

She truly brings me countless memories and daily blessings.  Happy New Year and may God bless you with many of your own countless memories and daily blessings.  Lots of love from our home to yours and don't forget, don't feed those pets too many grapes, they just may turn purple. ;)